I believe this is what I need in my life. Change. But I don't know what kindof change..socially? Sure. Then again, I don't know. I had a bit of a social change this past weekend; in the company of new people. Was it cool? Yes. But for some reason I don't really have the desire to partake in such again. What do I want?...[something I shouldn't]. I need to get over it, I know this. But I don't know how. Yesterday I asked people what their motivation was for getting up in the morning. Also what they look forward to. I suppose these questions were sparked by my trying to find a filling space between school and...sleep. I realized the reason for this is because I realize the only reason I get up in the morning is to go to school. WHY? So I can graduate. So, since my job is fulfilled by 310, I'm dragging my feet to go home. SO, though my motivation is to graduate, I won't do my homework at home...it's an interesting concept, really, not that it has much to do with the point I'm trying to make--more like a fun fact haha. I want something else. I want something else to look forward to. I need it. I'm tired of getting out of school. I'd rather stay in. So, what I mainly do after school is as follows; eat. smoke, think, go on the computer/online/watch tv/make comics. What do I think about. My pressing issue, of course. But otherwise, I think of what would be good to WRITE. Writing seems to be one of my comforts; but only if done right. If what I write is less than satisfactory, I'm not content. I miss writing, I do. I feel like I have good ideas, but when I go to put them into words, I feel as if I fail. Actually, to be more factual, I think about this throughout the day; not just when I'm out of school. Especially in the morning when I have nothing to do, and have a computer at my access. I think of concepts for comics as well. But I think I should let you in on something. I have a myspace for my music. And I have a myspace for my comics. Hm. Who is my friend on both?....OHFUCKIN'SHIT!? No....it can't be. Yes, sir, in fact it is. [Oh shit, dude, I think I just realized that the only person who is friends with both is him...WAIT. Whew, nevermind. But he's one of two.] And yes, I think of him when I'm writing songs or making comics. I want to write a meaningful song about him and put it to music and put it on my myspace. I also want to keep making comics; and make one that will inspire him to respond. I need to get over this, I know. I'm thinking the only way to do this is to find someone else. But I'm having difficulty doing this, especially since I'm sortof being held back by the current guys in my life. I'm not sure if I'm capable of becoming attached/falling for someone else. But I know the only way to find out is to put myself out there again; but like I said I'm being held back by this one dude. I should break it off? I think he will eventually because I keep disappointing him. Because I don't want him. I like him..but I don't. It may not make complete sense, but it does to me.

Damn, I just need help or something.

the fact that I feel a bit 'out of it' I have a feeling that this is about to not be very easy. I feel numbish. my wholeself ., not just my hands [which do as well] so this is kinda hard for me to type. You know those movies or shows where theres an outcast, and the 'popular people'. When the pops talk to the outi, they talk as if theyre so much better than everyone, and you realize that its really the otehr way around? I just had one of those experiences right now. Its like, even though I know I'm smarter, its still kinda lame. I like how im writing about how im smart and i can barely type. fuckin shit man.

i dont want to bee here. my hands are heavy.

the only fucking reason i came was to take a test in my LAST CLASS.

and now im stuck here.

Let's see here.                       I don't kn o w what to do about. Oh hey, look at that.

Okay, I'm done messing around with the size of the fonts  Just kidding, NOW I'm done. [I needed to make it a good size.]

How come when I click enter it makes it double spaced, but when I just continuously write, it automatically makes it single space? [Like that]

I'm having a sucky day today. the past few weeks in general, actually. Not only because of social reasons, but also because I've lost hella shit, such as clothes, books, eletronics and chargers for those electronics. I was missing my keys for awhile, but those were finally found. I'm so frustrated with losing stuff, and I don't know how to solve this. I'm thinking I should tell myself I'm not going to do something I want to do until I find these things. The main things I want to find are : SLAYER SHIRT!, voice recorder, two novels from school [that which if I don't find, I have to pay fees in order to graduate, and my phone charger. ARE YOU INSANE? Yeah, I know, that's hella shit. I think my shirt is at my moms, I THOUGHT my recorder was at my dad;s [that's the last time I remember seeing it.] I remember seeing one of the novels at my mom's; and I have a feeling that I'm gonna have to end up paying for one of them because I think I lost it at school. Cause I never remember seeing it at home, I don't think. And I don't know WHERE the FUCK my charger is. I had it at my mom's, and I could've sworn I brought it home on sunday night, but in the morning of monday, I couldn't find it in my room, and I checked in the car, and I checked at my mom's. All this shit is pissing me off. And I keep losing sharpeners as well.

Of course, most say that if I was just organized, I wouldn't lose this stuff, but I disagree. Even if I try to put them back in places I remember of, they're gone when I get there. It's so fucking LAME!

And I keep being late to school. And I'm having social issues, as you know. I'm just SO FRUSTRATED. And I keep snapping at people, and I don't like it much. I'm so tired of things not going right for me...

The weather's in a Misty CYCLE! Ahahaha.